


And Use My Head Alongside My Heart

by Nerdgirlproblems



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-12
Updated: 2013-02-12
Packaged: 2017-11-29 02:36:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/681748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerdgirlproblems/pseuds/Nerdgirlproblems
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Speculation Fic for 4.14.<br/>Though less speculation and more wish fulfillment...</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Use My Head Alongside My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from “I Will Wait” by Mumford and Sons. Thanks to Tessa for beta-ing. Spoilers for 4.14 and 4.15.

The early morning light drifted through a crack in the curtains, the pale winter sun casting shadows across the room. Though dim, the light glowed behind Kurt’s closed eyes, waking him up too soon after too little sleep. He groaned, turning on the bed to face away from the window, only to find an arm slung across his chest and a warm face against his shoulder, breathing softly onto his neck. Kurt froze, squinting to look down at the face of his ex-boyfriend, his first love, Blaine. He closed his eyes again, his groggy mind beginning to wake up, the events from the night before finally coming back to him.

Seeing Blaine before the wedding, not being able to ignore his feelings or his attraction. The backseat of Blaine’s car. Miss Pillsbury running out, devastating Mr. Schuester. Him insisting that they have the reception anyway, which seemed ridiculous to Kurt. Singing that duet with Blaine, everything feeling so… charged between them. The hotel room. 

And here they were. 

Kurt opened his eyes again, letting them adjust before staring down at Blaine, drinking in the sight. For weeks after their break-up, Kurt had held tight to his anger, using it as an anchor against that overwhelming sadness that comes from having your heart broken by the one person you trust. And other than his father, Kurt trusted Blaine more than anyone else in the world. He’d never been betrayed like that, not by someone he loved. He’d still been angry when he saw Blaine again at Grease, and he used that anger as a weapon. But Blaine’s pained face haunted him until Thanksgiving. It made him face the fact that even if Kurt had had his heart broken, he wasn’t the only one. Blaine hated himself, had felt alone, and was still hurting without Kurt. 

So they tried to become friends again. And Kurt lied to himself, saying that he could be there for Blaine as a friend. That they could talk and laugh just like they’d done before they dated, that Blaine could apply to NYADA and Kurt could date other guys and they could still be best friends. But that was the biggest lie of all. Kurt and Blaine had never been “just friends.” Kurt had fallen for that dapper boy on the stairs and just kept falling as he found out just how human and vulnerable yet strong and talented that boy was. So he committed to the lie. It was no different than acting. He couldn’t be what Blaine needed, not in New York, and not when he messed up so much before. And Blaine couldn’t be what he needed, still trying to find himself and back in Ohio. It wasn’t just the distance. Kurt had left Blaine behind and Blaine had lashed out, hurting them both. Kurt would never risk their hearts again by trying to be anything more than friends. Their relationship was worth so much more than that. They were worth so much more than that to each other.

But that was before Kurt came back to Ohio, on Valentine’s Day, for a wedding no less, and saw Blaine in that suit. He’d been prepared, in theory, for the emotional onslaught of being at a romantic setting with his ex, who he was still in love with. But after a couple of months apart, he was in no way prepared for Blaine himself.

“Be strong, Kurt!” Rachel had warned him on the flight home. “I know it’s Valentine’s Day, and a wedding, but you’re happy now! You and Blaine are both in better places. Don’t do anything you’ll regret.”

Easy for her to say. Rachel Berry had never had to face down Blaine in a fitted suit after a five-month dry spell. Rachel had Brody No-Pants who moved in without consulting him. Kurt had a perfectly nice British man that he’d barely touched and an adoring ex giving him heart-eyes that rivaled the giant paper hearts decorating the reception’s walls.

Kurt was only human. He was only a man. A man facing down Blaine Devon Anderson, with his giant eyes and his broad shoulders, his slim waist and his strong arms and legs. After a year and a half together, and nearly a year having sex, Kurt knew every inch of Blaine’s body. He knew every taste and every touch. Christmas in New York had been a blur, a haze of fear for his father and comfort at Blaine’s presence. There hadn’t been any room for desire, no chance to see in Blaine what he’d gotten so used to in the past, when they’d been two hormonal boys in love. So as much as his brain told him that doing anything more than dancing with Blaine was a terrible idea, that message didn’t get anywhere near his cock.

But Blaine sure did.

Their make-out in the car hadn’t been nearly enough. It was, in fact, just enough to make Kurt throw all caution to the wind and crave what he’d been missing. Crave Blaine. Then they’d gotten that hotel room.

There had been so many times in the night when Kurt could’ve called it off. He knew that. He could see Blaine’s fears, his letting Kurt lead. He’d always done that, wanted Kurt to be comfortable first and foremost. But since their break-up, since he’d… well, this was all Kurt’s choice.

So for once, he chose something reckless. Something that would hurt them both later but would feel so perfect in the moment. After months of pain and running, he chose Blaine.

Now here they were, Blaine asleep in Kurt’s arms, and Kurt had no idea what to do. 

His breathing must have changed, or maybe it was his slight movement, because Blaine began fidgeting slightly, obviously waking up. Or maybe Blaine really did have some sort of deeper connection to Kurt, and had sensed he was already awake, waking himself up to join him. Kurt had assumed during his senior year that he and Blaine had been connected in some cosmic way, because other than one or two hiccups, their relationship had felt so… easy. But then the distance shattered all those ideas. It had shattered a lot of things.

But now was not the time to dwell.

“Hey…” Blaine’s voice was gruff with sleep as he blinked up at Kurt, smiling timidly.

“Morning.” Kurt answered, trying his best to give a reassuring smile. 

Blaine snuggled back into Kurt’s arms, nuzzling his shoulder with his nose.

“’M not ready to get up yet.”

Kurt laughed. “Still not a morning person?”

“Not when staying in bed is so much more appealing.”

Neither spoke for a moment.

“Blaine…”

Blaine looked up, silencing Kurt with his eyes, which were as expressive as ever. He scooted out of Kurt’s arms, lying next to him half propped up on a pillow.

“Look, I get it. This wasn’t… you didn’t… If you want me to leave, Kurt, I will.”

Something inside Kurt always twisted in wonderful ways when Blaine said his name, like it was something special. Like he was special. How could Blaine still think that? How could he still make Kurt believe it?

“No, Blaine, I… I don’t regret it. Not any of it.”

Blaine visibly relaxed, but he didn’t move any closer.

“So… what happens now?”

“I… don’t know.”

“I don’t think I can forget that this happened…” Blaine looked down, reminding Kurt, as always, of a puppy.

“No, I wouldn’t want you to.” Kurt sighed, carding his hands through his bed- and sex-mussed hair. He hadn’t planned for this, didn’t even really think of it as a possibility. But it had happened. And now Blaine needed – deserved - answers.

“Blaine… I know how you feel. And I… really didn’t mean to lead you on.”

Blaine looked up at him, stricken. Kurt hurried to continue.

“I told you, I still love you. You’re more than just my best friend, okay? I do love you. And last night… I wanted you. I’ll probably always want you.” Blaine blushed, trying to stifle a smile. “But, yeah, this isn’t exactly… simple.”

“You still haven’t forgiven me-“

“No, Blaine, I have.” Kurt reached for Blaine’s hands, holding them tight in his own. “I think I forgave you a while ago. And I… I think I could be ready to trust you. But... I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship with you. It’s too complicated.”

“The distance.”

“Yes, there’s that. The distance, the history. We both had, and have, a lot of growing up to do. I can’t risk us again. What we have is… too important for that.”

Blaine finally looked back into Kurt’s eyes.

“So this isn’t us getting back together. But it isn’t good-bye either?”

Suddenly Blaine’s fears became clear.

“No, honey!” Kurt leaned forward, resting his forehead on Blaine’s. “I’ve told you over and over: I’m never saying good-bye to you. This was just… a really awesome way to show how much we still… mean to each other.”

Blaine grinned. “Awesome may be an understatement.”

Kurt laughed, swatting at Blaine’s shoulder. “Okay, maybe.”

They lay in amiable silence once more, still holding hands and just looking at each other. Pretty soon Rachel or Kurt’s dad would be calling his cell, wondering where he was or asking to get breakfast. Blaine’s phone would go off with a text from Sam to go over the insane events of yesterday, or Tina begging to talk. They both had lives to return to, lives without each other’s constant presence.

But Kurt had finally admitted to himself that he could never really get rid of Blaine, nor would he ever want to. It was an impossibility. They would always, in some way, be kurtandblaine. And that thought was actually comforting.

So maybe Kurt wasn’t ready to be with Blaine again, to call him his boyfriend and shout their love from the rooftops. Maybe he was still too scared to try, to risk his heart again, to see that pain in Blaine’s eyes. Part of him was worried he’d never be ready.

But, as he got on the plane back to New York, the Moulin Rouge soundtrack beginning to play on his iPod, he remembered the look on Blaine’s face when they finally parted, the feel of Blaine’s lips on his, the warmth of their bodies pressed together in a last hug; he figured it was just another inevitability.


End file.
